Wednesday, June 15, 2005

UNS News Flash!

UNS June 15, 2005 Guantanomo Bay Cuba
Jose Hindi Totoo

In a horrific session former Guantanomo Bay inmate Shakir Salim Ali Ahmed Al-Calamansi revealed to the UNS some more atrocities committed by the Americans at Camp X-Ray in Guantanomo Bay Cuba. It was a long, grueling session for Shakir Salim Ali Ahmed Al-Calamansi and at times he would break down and cry.

The truly horrifying part was Shakir was only talking about one session with Guantanomo Bay interrogators, we can only imagine what the rest of the sessions were like. Shakir can not recall the exact day they all seemed to blur together all he can say is it was a sunny and warm day with blue skies. "How can anyone endure those sorts of day without Jimmy Buffet music?"

It all began with the morning prayer call. "I woke up, as usual with the morning call to prayer. After prayers I was contemplating the joys of skinning one of the infidels alive and I was summoned. As is usual they hooded me, bound me hand and foot and removed me from the cell. I was then chained to a wall in a chamber." Shakir breaks down and cries as he recalls the horror of that lonely anonymous day. "The interrogators came into the room and demanded I talk. I refused of course, and when I refused more men came in. They had soft cushions and began to prod me with the soft cushions!" Shakir's eyes begin to burn. "Bismillah, I steeled myself and continued to refuse, they continued to prod me with the soft cushions but I resisted and after about a minute of prodding they gave up." The worst is yet to come.

The merciless interrogators then outdid themselves in cruelty. They brought out a TV, a Lazy Boy, and a remote control. The then forced Shakir into the Lazy Boy and made him watch TV! Not only did he have to watch TV, but there was only one show he could watch and that was "The Reverters" a show about those who convert to Islam from other religions. Shakir said he had watched the show in Terrorist Basic Training and was fed up with it, he wanted the new show, showing the executions of those who convert from Islam to other religions titled "Fate of the Apostate" but his cries fell on deaf ears.

Think this story is over? No, it is not. After being forced to watch The Reverters for two hours they forced a coffee service upon him. As far as Shakir could tell it was a dark French roast coffee but it did not include cream or sugar, yes folks, Shakir was not given the choice of cream and sugar with his coffee. Amnesty International's Geoffrey Gago says this lack of choice shows just how terrible Guantanomo Bay really is. "They didn't have to provide cream, simple milk would have done, heck maybe even an artificial creamer would have sufficed. Stalin could not have been more cruel than this! Oh and please send your AI membership forms and contributions to us ASAP so we can fight this gulag!" Finally Shakir was taken back to his cell and his halal meal was served.

When General Malaise spokesman for the camp was confronted with this shocking tale of abuse defended it saying: "Our troops in the field have to do with Folgers coffee, sometimes they have to settle for instant coffee! These guys get the finest coffee taxpayer money can buy and then whine about not getting cream and sugar?" When asked about the appalling lack of TV choice General Malaise stated "We tried to obtain "Fate of the Apostate" for the viewing pleasure of the inmates but the production company that owns the series was unreasonable in their demand that we provide apostates for the inmates to practice what the shows demonstrated, it was an unreasonable security hazard. Remember these are bad guys, they will stop at nothing to kill one of the guards, how many of those we have released have been killed fighting our troops? There was that one who was killed in a fight in a rescue of Chinese kidnap victims."

Coming Soon: photos from a reenactment of the torture!

A very generous hat tip to Monty Python's The Spanish Inquisition skit.