Cigar Cutting!

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Do you smoke cigars? I know some of you do. What do you use for cutting the tips of your cigars? Do you use a cigar cutter such as shown above? Or perhaps you use a cigar cutter of similar but simpler design than the one shown above? Well, hate to break it to you, such cigar cutters are sooooo metrosexual you need to grow a pair (however, if you are a woman cigar smoker then feel free to use fancy cigar cutters) and learn how to cut cigars the manly way!

Step 1

Go to your table saw with the requirements. A box of cigars (I like Alhambra Cigars from the Philippines) Also, note the Old Style & Jagermeister, please note the peppermint schnapps are missing.

Step 2

While we enjoy woodworking we do not like to smoke sawdust, so clean off your work surface as is demonstrated. Shop vacuums & high pressure air also work in lieu of brooms.

Eye & Ear Safety

Be sure you have something covering your eyes while performing cigar cutting operations. Also not the hearing protection, and spare stogies at the ready. For this work I suggest classical or baroque period music as romantic and modern music will most likely at times be drowned out by the saw only to deafen you as the tables are turned.

Preparing to Cut

Make sure everything is square!

Adjust Blade Height

Adjust the height of the blade so the teeth barely clear the top of the cigar. This is also for safety!

The Perils of Kickback

Duh! If you want to go back to using the bejeweled cigar cutters stand in such a matter! Stand off to the side so if the blade kicks your cigar back it launches harmlessly!

Let 'er Rip!

Make sure all is clear of the blade and turn your table saw on. Then, slowly and carefully feed the end of the cigar through the blade. Do not push it through fast but feed it slowly.

The Clean Result!

Wow! Which side is factory cut and which is table saw cut?

Now, Enjoy!

Nothing like a cleanly cut cigar!

Caution

Obviously, the above post is offered in jest. Working with power tools such as table saws & chop saws carries the very real risk of injury. My brother and myself have worked around such tools pretty much our entire lives and we know what we are doing. If you have never worked with such power tools I STRONGLY RECOMMEND YOU DO NOT attempt the above procedures.

Protests Against Big Citrus

UNS
January 27, 2007

Protests took place today at a grocery store in Appleton Wisconsin. Protesters carried signs and chanted slogans protesting against the increase in citrus fruit prices. Discussions with protesters revealed a number of concerns. Protester Orville James from nearby Kimberly was concerned about the rapid rise in citrus fruit prices. "Come on, the price of the fruit is rising so quickly even before the new batches of fruit can get here. This weather stuff is just an excuse to gouge us." Protester Olivia Johnson was skeptical of any shortages "They tell us there is a fruit shortage, yeah right. There is plenty of citrus fruit in the stores, I can find lemons, limes, oranges, and yes even grapefruit. However, I refuse to knuckle under to gougers and refuse to buy the fruit at those high prices." An Owen Jinkles complained about having to make difficult choices "This rise in citrus prices means I have to choose between eating fruit or getting a new game for my Wii console, it is just not fair!"

Congressman Steve Kagen is concerned about the actions of big citrus and proposes to do something about it. "First off, in the next 100 hours we will propose removing all subsidies and tax breaks from big citrus. Then we will pour money into research developing alternative citrus fruits.
Together, we will stick it to big citrus!"

Industry and economic analysts think differently. Ophelia Jackson citrus crops analyst from the Lehman and Lyme Funds investment house notes that citrus fruits markets follow the law of supply and demand just like any other product or service. The abnormally cold weather throughout much of the America's citrus growing regions destroyed much of the crop, with the decrease in supply the price naturally rises. Those who really love citrus fruits will continue to buy them and make a sacrifice elsewhere. We do this all the time." Orson Jarvis the President's top citrus affairs advisor notes the reason there appears to be plenty of fruit in the store is because those who are less fond of citrus fruits are deterred from buying fruit, thereby leaving the fruit on the shelves for those who love citrus fruits and are therefore willing to pay more." Otto Jorgensen a local accountant also notes that all participants in the supply chain usually use cost averaging that transmits price changes much quicker to the end customer then pricing each batch.

The protesters are still not convinced. Protester Oscar Jansen says "No blood for orange juice. President Bush for certain is planning a war for OJ you watch. That build up on the border is not to guard the border but to invade Mexico for its citrus fruits, we will not stand for it!"

Charlie Datoona Thanks Nancy.

UNS - 1/4/2007 San Francisco
Charlie Datoona Thanks Nancy Pelosi
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In a public statement Charlie Datoona thanked Nancy Pelosi for the help she provided StarKist tuna.

I want to thank Nancy Pelosi for this San Francisco treat! Without the minimum wage exemption I might never get to be a StarKist tuna, now at least I have a chance. My friends are eager to join the StarKist team and now StarKist will be able to employ more people it is more likely to happen.

Charlie Datoona's arch rival in the tuna industry the Chicken of the Sea mermaid had the following statement:

This stinks to no end. Now, I will have to lay off workers, reconsider our future expansion plans, and pass on labor cost increases to our customers. This gives Charlie Datoona an unfair market advantage. It's like it was Charlie himself writing the legislation. No wonder they were in such a hurry to get this bill passed. I-I-I could just cry!

Mack E. Ral an industry analyst notes there are no reasonable suspicions of legislative malfeasance or impropriety here, but it does seem a constituent of the Speaker of the House has gained an inexplicable favor. Mack goes onto say I do not blame anyone for thinking otherwise [that there is no legislative favoritism]. Mr. Ral expressed hope the bill would be fixed to either remove the exemption or the whole bill would just go away.

We will see, we will see.

Could Not Have Been Al-Qaida

We just thumped & rethumped a gathering in Somalia. As is always the case when a gang of Al-Qaida gets thumped it wasn't Al-Qaida but some other innocuous gathering.

Here are the top 10 suggestions Al-Qaida's media men came up with for their press release on the matter.

It wasn't a gathering of Al-Qaida the US Airships shot up it was....
10.) A bar-mitzvah
9.) A wedding
8.) A funeral
7.) An international financiers convention
6.) A fashion show
5.) A garden party
4.) A bridal shower
3.) A wild & crazy bachelor party
2.) An editorial boad meeting for The Somali Reporter
1.) A showing of the Vagina Monologues.